Boundaries?
You mean kinda like when my dear mother yells out, “Now go home, will ya please!”
But, seriously. Over the past several years, I’ve been learning about boundaries and just how important having them truly is.
Also how boundaries are not meant as a weapon to harm or control, but as a tool we can use to protect our peace and stay healthy.
Sometimes, however, even when we set boundaries with loving intentions–especially if we’re not used to having or setting them–they can feel harsh, hurtful, like a personal attack, and even, at times, create barriers.
Barriers?! I don’t want barriers! I try to avoid barriers! I love people and I want to feel connected with and closer to them!
And, anyway, doesn’t “love know no boundaries”?
Boundaries can also feel like judgments.
I don’t want to be judgmental! Judgmental people are judged for being judgmental! And I don’t want to be judged! Nobody wants to be judged! And, if I set boundaries, people I love will think I am judging them, and then I’ll be judged! And, if people set boundaries with me, I will feel like I am being judged by them! AGHHHHH!!!
Hence, based on this internal conversation, “intellectual reasoning”, and actual real-life experience, I deduce I don’t like boundaries.
AT ALL.
Not setting them. Not having them. None of it.
Ok, now that I’ve had my tantrum of résistance…
Allow me to become curious.
So, what are boundaries, anyway? I ask.
Why are they so important? And, what do healthy boundaries look like?
How do I set them? And who do I set them with?
Wait!
If I set boundaries, I may send the wrong message and end up hurting someone I love!
I can’t do that! If I hurt someone I love, then I–or they!–may end up ALONE! God forbid!
What’s that you say, God?
I can set boundaries as a way to love? And you’ll provide?
As I wrote this post, I remembered having only negative experiences–guilt and heartache–when it came to boundaries.
One time, I attempted to set a boundary with someone I loved (my brother), and he was so hurt and became so defensive, I received harsh backlash.
“Oh, you’re gonna set a boundary with me?!”
“Well, here’s what I have to say about you!”
Typa thing.
“LESSON” LEARNED!
And, when others set boundaries with me, it sometimes felt as if they were being cold, unloving, hypocritical, and lacking in understanding. And I tended to feel more rejected and disrespected than “loved with boundaries” (probably not unlike my brother, who lashed out at me for suggesting we needed to take some space from each other).
That’s when I lost my trust in boundaries all together and became “severely” codependent.
Thankfully, however, by the grace of God, I learned over time how I’m not fully responsible for others’ peace, wellbeing, and/or happiness.
And came to accept others weren’t fully responsible for mine, either. <gulp>
You mean, we don’t have to run ourselves ragged and experience adrenal fatigue in order to prove we care about each other?
And, if others set boundaries with me, that doesn’t mean they don’t love me, that something is wrong with me and, you mean to tell me…
I WILL BE OK?!?
In conclusion, contrary to my initial intellectual deduction, boundaries seem to be a great way to not only protect our peace, but also practice self care and keep us healthy and vibrant.
So, if you’re feeling depleted and/or fatigued in a relationship or situation, it may be time to say, “I love you, but I need some time to rest and reset.”
In some cases, we may have to do the difficult thing and go “no contact” with someone we love and care about. But it doesn’t mean we can’t pray for them if we feel called to. After all, God’s love is powerful and healing, and we could all use some time “alone” in order to experience it.
As my dear mother would say, “Gah head, go home! And cawl me when ya get there!”
Next week: Relational burnout (aka “life without boundaries”)
